Instant Karma

Normally, I’m not surprised at people’s capacity to disgust me. From frivolous lawsuits and censorship to spoiled, overpaid athletes and corrupt politicians – there is usually a representative or 2 of our fine nation that leaves me shaking my head on an almost daily basis. Things were a bit different last week however. I heard that at the Presidential Inauguration, where there were an estimated 2 million people in attendance, there was not a single incident, or arrest. Pretty amazing! ‘Could it be,’ I though? ‘Could this change about which we’ve been hearing ad nauseam, be upon us already?’ Well, as it turns out, that wasn’t the case at all. As I said, hearing or reading about people’s stupidity, greed, piety, entitlement or outright apathy toward others is so commonplace, it’s rare that I get ‘wowed’. Yesterday, I got ‘wowed’.

Travel back with me if you will… Thursday, Jan 15^th at 3:26 PM, US Airways flight 1534 took off from NY’s LaGuardia Airport bound for Charlotte, NC. Shortly after takeoff, several geese were sucked into 1 of its 2 engines causing it to blow out and catch fire. Since the Airbus A320 was just taking off, and was still at low altitude, and low speed, it could not maintain flight with just one engine. Knowing he would not be able to maneuver the big jet back to the airport for an emergency landing, Capt. Chesley B Sullenberger opted for a water landing in the Hudson River. As a result of the pilot’s quick thinking and skill, and the crew’s professionalism in the face of potential catastrophe, all 155 passengers survived, and most escaped without injury. OK – that, you already knew.

When you purchase an airline ticket, the Airline is required to either make sure you get your belongings back after the flight, or compensate you for loss or damage up to $3,300. That would easily cover my alligator bag, platinum toothbrush, and mink boxers. You know – necessities. US Airways has offered the passengers of flight 1534 $5,000 for the loss of their belongings. Most folks are OK with that, because like most of us, upon walking away from a plane crash, replacing luggage wouldn’t tend to be something we’d be consumed with. But of course, there are a few who don’t want to make any rash decisions just yet. Me thinks somebody got a lawyer… You just survived a plane crash! How do you spit in the face of karma/God/fate/nature like that? A Salesman named Joe Hart from Raleigh, NC is one of the displeased. Joe says he would like to be “made whole again”, and adds that, “flying is difficult now”. Death is easier Joe, though lacks a certain excitement. There is also an advocacy group for crash victims involved… Really – I couldn’t make that up! The National Air Disaster Alliance & Foundation thinks aside from lost possessions, the passengers went through a ‘terrific ordeal’, and $5,000 is not enough. I know what my Blackberry cost, but how much is a terrific ordeal worth? Also – Kreindler & Kriendler, (guess what they do), are representing several of the survivors. They will of course be entitled to 1/3 of the terrific ordeal pay. The plaintiffs are lucky. K&K don’t do ‘ordeals’, but ‘terrific ordeals’ are right up their alley.

Why does someone else always have to be responsible? Life is random, unpredictable, and based on choices that we make. Life, in big part, is a crap shoot. There is chance in getting out of bed in the morning – driving, flying, athletics, marriage, work, even going to the store… Some choices work out, and some don’t. And when they don’t, it doesn’t entitle us to a check! Tell me how Heather Mills was worthy of $40 million in her divorce from Paul McCartney. Or the woman who spilled her own coffee on her own legs while holding the cup between her knees to add cream and sugar, and was awarded $2.5 million because the coffee was hot! If Ronald McDonald himself threw the coffee in her face while maniacally laughing at her pairing ‘that sweater with those pants’, then I could see a little compensation. Clowns are mean, ya know.

It saddens me that we’ve gotten so litigious, that our experiences now have price tags. The fallout from our bad choices make up who we are as much as the benefits of the good ones. Our buddy Joe, who fell from the sky in an 80 ton aircraft full of fuel, and walked away with a bloody nose and soggy shoes, feels he’s entitled to a settlement for his ordeal, from a company who really did nothing wrong. Hey… Maybe they can sue Canada too - They were Canadian geese after all.

Happy New Year

“Order this free DVD… it will change your life.” How many of these commercials have you seen in the past couple weeks? Yep, we’ve segued from the season of ‘eat, drink, and be merry’, to the season of redemption, and resolution. Tis now the season of diet supplements, deals on gym memberships, Bowflex, Total Gym, Nutrisystem, and Jenny Craig. We are bombarded with success stories – Marie Osmond, Valerie Bertinelli, Mike Ditka, Dan Marino, Jillian Barberie, (who still hasn’t returned an of my calls… busy I guess), and a host of other unknowns who’ve lost large amounts of weight in very little time. It’s also time to wash out the gray, and re-grow that bald spot. Everything we see this time of year seems to offer us an opportunity at a new beginning of some sort. Improve your appearance, start a new career, or find that special someone on-line. Every year the resolutions seem the same. Somehow, the beginning of a new year inspires us to start things we, for some reason, couldn’t start in October, or June. But statistically, most resolutions have gone by the wayside my mid-March. So why do we do it year after year? What’s your New Years resolution?

Let’s face it, we all have ‘things’ about ourselves we don’t particularly like, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve our quality of life. But New Years seems to be the time of year that the advertisers like to remind us of our flaws. You can’t blame them, it works like a charm. Just drive by a gym and see how much more packed the parking lot is as opposed to a month ago. Yes – I feel bad for spandex this time of year. The abuse… Oh the humanity! I wonder why it is so many folks bail after 8 or 10 weeks. After that long, you have to be seeing some sort of result for your effort. Why quit? It seems like it would be inspiring. I’m hoping I last longer than that. I resolve to eat healthier, and give up wearing spiked heels on the weekends… Sure, they make me feel pretty, but I twisted an ankle pretty badly last month.

And while I think we Americans could be in a little better shape, here are a few other things that would be good fodder for New Years resolutions…

We resolve to...

- Not sue anyone, even though Jim Sokolove says we should.

- Stop voting by phone so American Idol will finally go away.

- Not order the new 20 piece Mcnugget meal to eat alone.

- Use directionals… That’s why cars have them!

- Stop being so whiney, and offended by everything!

- Be more creative in naming a newly created drink as opposed to just sticking the suffix ‘tini’ at the end.

- try to coerce Tyler Perry to stay dressed as a woman… He looks more creepy as a guy.

- If you’re a rap artist thanking God for the award you just won, stop saying ‘first and foremost’. It’s redundant.

- Help a friend – in this economy, at least one person we know will need it.

- Not talk on the phone while putting on makeup and taking a sip of coffee, in rush hour traffic. (I actually witnessed this, and admittedly was a little impressed!)

- Make an effort to show appreciation to at least one member of our Armed Forces for their efforts, and sacrifices.

So, here’s to new beginnings… 2009 is prime for both optimism, with the upcoming change of administration, and a bit of fear and uncertainty when it comes to the economy. And while the latter is foremost in everyone’s mind, (see? No need to add ‘first’), I remain optimistic. I’m sure it will be a hard year, but I think the difficulties will bring about changes for the better in the long term. I wish everyone luck and success with your resolutions – and good fortune with work, family, and friendship in ’09.

Happy New Year!

The War on Christmas

We’ve once again entered into a scary time. Sure, we’ve been here before, but as the years go on, the threat evolves. It becomes more intense, and less predictable. It’s getting harder to foresee where it will happen, or by whom. It may be at the mall, at work, or while innocently walking down the street. But it’s inevitable… You will at some point be drawn into the newest round of the war on Christmas. Yes, I remember a time when ‘Merry Christmas’ was a nice friendly greeting… Now, for some, it’s tantamount to calling one’s mother some sort of farm animal. How did this happen? It amazes me the silly battles some folks are willing to fight, and how year after year, the offenses get more and more absurd. Displays bother people, Christmas carols bother people, commercials, T.V. specials, store ads, and of course, the afore mentioned greeting bothers people. And once again, by ‘people’, I mean a relatively small group of whiners, who were probably somehow wronged around the Holidays… who knows, maybe they got shit on by Prancer during a Christmas Eve fly-by, (though I hear that’s good luck, sans the dry cleaning). So now they need to pick fights with folks who actually have a little cheer.

It all started a while back with a few people complaining about manger scenes being represented on state, city, and federal government properties… OK, I get it. Separation of church and state. It doesn’t bother me, (because I’m not a whiner), but I get it. We trust God on our money but he needs to keep his damn kid off the lawn! If only Christ had run for office. “Re-elect Alderman Jesus – I promise fewer stones on the dirt road to the future”…

It didn’t stop there though. The last thing you want to do is give a squeaky wheel a victory. Next, it was the word; ‘Christmas’. We can’t call it Christmas… That’s too… um… Christian! Silly Christians… Having a celebration for the birth of Christ who, incidentally, happens to be the basis for their entire religion, and having the audacity to name it after Him? Shameful! It’s funny how every Christmas attack is based in religion, religion, religion. But the whiners always fail to stop and think, (which takes effort, and usually results in the ingestion of extra strength Excedrin), about the fact that Christmas, while being 1st runner up on the Christian holiday calendar, has also become it’s own secular holiday, almost completely removed from religion. We put up Christmas trees, make snowmen, we have candy canes, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, the Grinch, and the Grand Poobah himself... Santa Claus. Let’s face it, 2 of the founding properties of our nation were freedom of religion, and that ours would be a Capitalist society. Christmas has it all! You can celebrate the birth of your Lord and Savior, and get 25% off a 46” Sony HDTV flat-screen with free shipping.

I know, I know… It’s not just Christmas this time of year, there are other celebrations going on as well. Which is fine – the more, the merrier! Wait, can I still be merry? I’ll have to check. We also have the Freedom From Religion foundation who believes in… well, not believing. Which is also fine, or would be if they weren’t on a crusade to 'free' the minds of the faithful who are hypnotized by religion, which I think actually makes them a religion… Phew! But why? Why do they care? Let me celebrate what I celebrate, believe what I believe, leave me in peace to watch ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’, drinking my egg nog, (with a little Captain Morgan), and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! As for vernacular, I’m a ‘Merry Christmas’ guy… But hey - Say Happy Holidays if you want, or Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza, and for the Freedom from Religion folks, Happy Thursday afternoon! It’s just a greeting. An effort by someone you may not even know, to be a little friendly… Where’s the crime in that?

I guess it just escapes me, what exactly the whiners get out of these little victories. Is it a gripe with the Catholic Church? Believe be, I have an issue or two with it myself. But like Hanukah, Kwanza, the Solstice, or Festivus for the rest of us, Christmas – religious, or secular, hurts no one. Some of my dearest memories are adorned with Christmas decorations. I remember being around 7, creeping down the stairs in feet pajamas, into the parlor while it was still dark. We had one of those silver foil trees that changed color as the wheel of different colored gels passed in front of a spot light that shined on it. Off to the side, Santa left me my Roadrunner pedal car… Still in my top 5 best gifts.

But nothing beats creating the magic. My absolute fondest memories are of my son on Christmas mornings. His mom and I would always have Santa leave something behind, a sleigh bell in the yard, a note… One year, he knocked a brick out of the chimney – it was right on the living room floor! That Santa… The best part though, was the look on his face that second he saw the toys, and realized Santa had been there… I’ve experienced nothing else that rivals the feeling of seeing that face. Then we’d play the ‘Charlie Brown Christmas’ soundtrack, and he would ‘have at it’! And I’m not alone… There are millions of others with millions of memories just like that to cherish. Memories that would not be were it not for the magic of Christmas. Why would anybody want to mess with that?

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night…”

Industry of Cool

The other night on VH1 classic, there was a highlights show on ‘Live Aid’ from 1985. I have the DVDs from the show, but haven’t watched them in a bit. The highlights show was cool because it showed one song each, from only the real heavy hitters of the show. Clapton’s ‘Layla’ segueing into Queen’s ‘We are the Champions’ followed by David Bowie, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, The Who, and Paul McCartney. This got me to thinking, how lucky I am to be a fan of music, and to have grown up when I did. To have so many great artists, so many heroes of folk and rock around at the same time. The first album I can really recall listening to, was Abbey Road. It was at my cousin’s house… I was only 4, but I remember the apple on the album spinning around, and I remember sitting on that braided rug, looking at the album cover picturing these four strange guys crossing the street, in front of that white VW Beetle, and singing along with ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’. Fun song for a kid – then you find out later, your first favorite song was about a serial killer… I’m so conflicted.

After that, the radio and I became good friends. At bed time, I needed the lights out, and the radio on. Oh, and what a good friend it turned out to be. I was introduced to The Guess Who, Led Zeppelin, The Stones, The Kinks, (who by the way would be my first concert), Jim Croce, The Who, CSN, Cat Stevens, and on and on and on… I loved music. Eventually, I would be able to listen to my brother’s 8-tracks when he wasn’t around. It wasn’t easy either, I had to make sure I left each one on the right track, at the right place in the song where he had left it. Of course, anyone under the age of 35 has no idea what I’m talking about. You never had to learn the tricks of putting pennies on your turn table’s needle to play a record that had some scratches in it, or sticking a matchbook under one side of an 8-track tape to stop ‘bleeding’ from another track… Jesus, I’m old! But so are you if you know what I’m talking about. Sneaking a listen, which entailed ‘touching my brother’s stuff’, was worth the risk of bodily harm and potentially eating through a straw for a while, because being able to listen to a whole album was an experience quite different from hearing a scattering of songs on the radio, inserted amongst a cacophony of commercials, traffic and weather, and witty DJ banter. A whole album with all the fades, intros, and nuances that could never be heard on the radio? Nothing like it.

It was more of a special thing when albums came out back then… an event. There was sort of a ritual to it. Depending on the artist, you could get lost in the artwork on the cover. You’d read the liner notes. Then gently place the needle on the shiny black space before the first track, then just sit, listen, and read along with the lyrics on the album sleeve. The first album I ever bought with my own money, (that I probably got from my mother), was Elvis Costello’s ‘My Aim is True’… I actually still have it. Of course, the version I listen to now is digitized, and on my Ipod. And while it’s amazing to me still, that I have an entire record collection in the palm of my hand, and can take it anywhere, I do miss that feeling of bringing home the newest collection of 10 or 12 tracks you’ve waited months for, (or in Pink Floyd’s case, a presidential term), in that flat square bag, the likes of which are only seen in calendar stores now, and listening to it for the first time through those giant padded headphones that could block out the ambient noise of a 747 revving for take-off outside your window. We don’t really listen to albums anymore. We’ll put one on in the background at work, or at the gym, but it’s just for noise. Itunes, Zune, and Amazon allow you to buy 1 song, or 2, or 5… whatever you want. These days artists seem to try to compile a collection of hits, as opposed to an album. It’s a shame, but it’s not entirely their fault. Their record company’s bottom line, coupled with our ever shrinking attention spans, dictate what an artist has to do to survive these days.

Yes my friends, somewhere along the line, art, and artists have lost their way. Stardom used to be a by-product of artistic success, now it’s the goal. And a new hit on the radio meant just that – new. This past Summer’s biggest hit was Kid Rock’s ‘All Summer Long’, which was essentially ‘Werewolves of London’ with some ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ mixed in. The chorus even had the words ‘sweet home Alabama’ in it. Are you kidding me? The same is true in Hollywood. Remakes, remakes, remakes…

Think about it… Our parents, and grandparents had Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Sanatra, The Andrew Sisters, Benny Goodman, Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, and Elvis Presley, to name a few. And again, I’m lucky to have had the great artists I had to grow up with. Some of the greatest songwriters, singers, and musicians who ever lived, have written the soundtrack to my life. I wonder, in this world of Itunes, American Idol, and Making the Band, if there will be any ‘great’ artists remembered from this generation. I hope so, there are some really good bands around right now. I hope one day they can be free of A&R people, focus groups, and sales charts, so we can really see what they are capable of. I hope my son can look back on a moment as powerful, and as tangible as my Abbey Road memory.

“… and they will ruin rock and roll, and strangle everything we love about it… And then it just becomes and industry of cool.” - Lester Bangs (Almost Famous)

Quid Pro... No

We hear the word politics, and we think about… well… politics. Someone running for office, or making a deal to get a bill passed, or seeing a mayor appoint his brother in law, Del, Head of the Traffic Dept right after he gets fired from Dairy Queen… again. And while those are all prime examples of politics, they don’t quite cover it all. There is politics in almost everything we do, all day long. There’s politics at work, in the schoolyard, sometimes in the family, (I’m sorry if you’re not the Golden Child… But there is one, isn’t there?) There is politics behind what you listen to, what winds up on TV, or in the theater. How about what shelves in the super market certain foods go on? In the 80s, we even had the Politics of Dancing! (Never dreamed I’d ever reference a Re-Flex song… Ah well, at least I stayed away from Wang Chung!) Miriam Webster defines politics as, ‘the use of intrigue or strategy in obtaining any position of power or control’. Intrigue, and strategy… talk about your wide open parameters. Intrigue can be achieved by pretending I’m who I need to be in order to appeal to those who will ultimately give me what I want. And strategy can be everything from shaking more hands than my opponent, to having him killed! So let’s call it what it is; pretentiousness, and craftiness… Sounds more familiar, doesn’t it? I just described a person or two that you know, who has probably achieved a certain position, or salary, or something, they probably didn’t deserve. And they did it through the use of… SURVEY SAYS!… Politics.

It kind of starts in grammar school. You let the cool kid in the class sneak a peek at your test so he can find out that the Gettysburg Address in not in fact where Abraham Lincoln lived. He subsequently passes the test, and gratefully picks you for his kickball team at recess… You’re ‘in’. That’s politics. The same is true through high school. What you wear, the bands you listen to, who you make fun of, sometimes even the grades you get, can all have to do with impressing the people by whom you want to be liked, and accepted. Acting a certain way to achieve a certain position, or status… That’s politics. And in a perfect world, the workplace would be governed by the simple premise of ‘he/she who works the hardest, does job the to the best of his/her ability, and takes pride in every task, no matter how large, or miniscule, will advance the fastest in status, and compensation’. But that just ain’t how it works, is it? Having the right connections, hanging out with the right people after work, flirting, even dressing a certain way can have more of an effect on advancement in the workplace than doing your job well. Oh I’ll admit it, I’ve tried that route… The flirting, the clothes… didn’t work for me. Apparently, I wasn’t Ted’s type. Plus, I found out that a guy wearing short skirts to work every day throws up some red flags in the HR department! On the bright side, I got out of any duties involving climbing ladders… and the severance package was ok. Plus, I’m almost done with counseling. Haters! They were just jealous because I had the legs for it… Politics!

The thing that really gets me, is politics is based on favors… Quid pro quo. Aren’t we supposed to do unto others as you would have done unto you? The golden rule – we learn that pretty much from the time we can comprehend actual words. Are the rules of politics written in the Bible anywhere?

“And the Lord sayeth, ‘thou shalt scratcheth the back of thy neighbor, and gain promise through such favor that he shall scratcheth thine, even whilst thinking thy to be a scumbag’. The word of the Lord.” Hypocrates – 29:2.

How did we get stuck with this lunacy? Why can’t we just do something because it’s the right thing to do, instead of expecting some sort of compensation, or favor in return? Politics, in all its forms, breeds distrust. We don’t trust our elected officials anymore, because they are politicians… Yes, they’ve made a life of this sort of behavior. I can spend months bashing my opponent, and telling perspective voters that he is not qualified, or experienced enough to do this job. Only to completely reverse my stand later on, because now I’m out of the race, and he is a member of my party. These things are always overlooked because, “that’s politics”. No matter how crazy, or disreputable, or downright dishonest these candidates, senators, governors, mayors, or presidents appear to be, “that’s politics”, is like a get out of jail free card… We’re just accepting of it. We just think, ‘That’s how they are’. How crazy is that?

There are those who think politics is a necessary evil… a way to get things done. I see no positive side to it, in any aspect of life. I’ll say it again – politics breeds distrust. You want to know another way to get things done? Caring… (No, I don’t need a hug, or a tissue). Simply giving a shit about your community, or your neighbors, or your child’s quality of education, healthcare, etc., and doing something to effect positive change without expecting something in return. I’ll scratch your back, and hopefully, when mine gets itchy, (though it shouldn’t, the cream worked really well), someone will be there to scratch it. Seems like a better system to me. There is a good movie called ‘Pay it Forward’ that portrays the enactment of this type of philosophy. If something nice is done for you, do something nice for someone else one day, and so on, and so on… Sounds simple. Interestingly enough, the concept was actually first written about in 1784 by Benjamin Franklin… A politician!

Droopy banks

OK. New day… new bowl of confusion. Maybe you folks can help me out. I just read a couple of articles outlining some newer, local laws that are being strictly enforced, I assume for the good of all mankind. One is here in Massachusetts. A small town called Holliston is now at its limit, (for you moms out there, that means they’ve ‘had it up to here!’) regarding offenders of its helmet law for cyclists, and rollerbladers. While I think it’s a good idea for kids 16 and under to wear a helmet, I think it’s the parent’s job to see to it, not the town counsel. But that’s beside the point… Now, to further enforce this law, the Police, charged with public safety, law, and order, will now add taking Johnny’s bike away to their list of daily hazardous duties. How embarrassing to be in your cruiser responding to a call, siren wailing, lights flashing… with a pink Schwinn hanging out of your trunk. You can’t make this stuff up!

The other article was about Riviera Beach, Florida where the police are making sure its citizens are adhering to its ‘droopy pants’ law. People are not allowed to have more than 4” of their underwear showing. I wonder if the police have to carry little tape measures on their belts. Do these guys with their pants down on their hips look stupid? Of course! But as Americans, isn’t it our right to look as stupid as we want? I could see if they were wearing red fuzzy thongs, or God forbid it was laundry day forcing them to go commando… But they are pretty much just showing boxers. I saw a girl at the market the other day wearing a pair as shorts. And what of bikinis? Pretty much bra and panties for the beach, no? (That was merely for comparison… I fully support a woman’s right to wear as little as she wants…) Where was I… Oh yeah. For a third offense, you can be locked up for this. Yes – jailed! Holliston offers free helmets if you don’t have one, Shouldn’t Florida offer belts? I for one am much more offended by women who abuse the limits of spandex at a physical, and molecular level, and by white guys with dread locks. Where’s the justice there? Should we hand out free mirrors?

What got me on that silly little tangent is the current debacle on Wall Street. It kills me how we tend to focus so much effort on so fervently enforcing these little laws on little people, but will bail out big, powerful corporations which, in their extremely risky pursuit of a quick and very profitable turnaround, destroyed thousands of families, have spun our economy into turmoil, and will ultimately cost us taxpayers billions. These big lenders offered mortgage deals to people who did not qualify for loans, and would therefore sign up for anything for the chance to own their own home. It’s the American dream. Who wouldn’t go for that?

What happened was… When the rates were lowered after 2001, central banks made a lot of money available to help stimulate the economy, the success of which required a quick return on investment. So sub-prime mortgages were offered, at a higher initial rate to folks with a credit rating lower than 600. Thousands of these high risk loans were written. However, these plans hinge upon the borrowers refinancing at a better rate once your house increases in value. What could possibly go wrong??? House values plummeted, making it difficult to impossible for these people to keep up with payments, and stay in their homes. Houses were foreclosed upon, loans didn’t get paid, yatta yatta yatta. So, just to recap… Lenders; Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac, Lehman, AIG etc. gambled with these risky deals. They lost… and we the people are left to pick up the pieces. The government’s taken over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, but Lehman and AIG are in real trouble because the gov won’t bail them out, which is actually a good thing. We’d be pretty much rubbing elbows with Socialism at that point. Besides, I never got bailed out on my investment. A promising young chemistry professor said he could cure several different deadly blood diseases with an enzyme in yak’s liver, and needed money for research. Well, that didn’t work out. How could I have known that Yak was his uncle’s name? Never saw that coming. Neither did Yak for that matter… The trial’s next week. My point is… capitalism is based on a certain amount of risk. People tend to be careful when risk is involved. If someone’s there to bail you out, why not go for broke? (so to speak).

Of course, mine is a very simple, very basic overview of what is in large part the reason we’re in this pickle. (Meaning I put it in terms I could understand). I know it’s a very complex series of events. Some which could not be helped, and some which could easily have been avoided. So we know what happened, and why, but will anyone ultimately pay? The last time something similar to this happened was the S&L scandal. Of the Keating 5 senators involved, 1 was severely reprimanded, 2 were ‘criticized for acting improperly’… Oh the humanity! And 1 of the 2 members who were ‘criticized for poor judgment’, is currently our Republican presidential candidate. 5 years in a Vietnamese prison, AND criticized by the ethics committee? The man should have a cape! Wouldn’t it be funny if the only one to get in trouble for all of this is the banker whose pants are too low, showing more than 4” of his Alan Greenspan boxer shorts?

And the oval office goes to...

Wouldn’t it be cool if we were able to elect a Hollywood president? My son commented this past weekend during the movie ‘Air Force One’, “I want that guy to be our president”. It got me thinking… (no ‘burning smell’ jokes please), it is not the first time I’ve heard that notion, or thought it myself while watching an actor’s portrayal of a fictional president. After all, they are always so much more interesting, have more integrity, and usually, less of a jaded past than the members of the political ‘value menu’ from which we always have to make a choice. I know, it’s a lot easier to make up a person on a page, and for that person to make the right life and death call when a script dictates his/her decision, as opposed to doing it for real… every day, with no one to yell ‘cut’, so they can do it again. But we’ve all thought it. From Jeb Bartlett from the West Wing, to Andrew Shepard, to the first TV female Prez, McKenzie Allen. Writers are always able to inject something into these characters that appeals to us in a way that real candidates don’t seem to be able to. OK, so lets break it down. If we could elect a Hollywood president, who is the best concrete hand print for the job?

Ya gotta love Henry Fonda… (I actually think there’s an Amendment to the constitution that says so. It includes Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne as well if I’m not mistaken). He was the president twice. ‘Young Mr Lincoln’, and again in ‘Failsafe’. Experience aside, I think one assassination, and one nuclear attack rule him out. The latter would also exclude Peter Sellers’ Merkin Muffly from ‘Dr Strangelove’. Sure’ he’d be fun for a while, but the last thing we need is Slim Pickins riding the back of a nuke to the ground like some eradiated mechanical bull. And unfortunately, Gina Davis, who played President Mckenzie Allen in ‘Commander in Chief’, probably wouldn’t get elected due to the fact that she was formerly the 50’ woman. Aside from being an abysmally bad movie, people get pissed when you step on their Volkswagens. We also have had two presidents who had to guide us through alien attacks. Jack Nicholson, in ‘Mars Attacks’, who didn’t do so hot amidst the crisis, since his character was a boob. Not his fault though, it was written that way, and is a funny movie. Then we had Bill Pullman as President Whitmore in the I wish there was some way to get those 2 hours of my life back classic, ‘Independence Day’. Personally, I think he peaked as Lonestar in Mel Brooks’ ‘Spaceballs’.

So now we know who’s out. Let’s meet our candidates, shall we? You ‘24’ fans out there remember David Palmer. Not much to not like about him. Good decision maker, always tried to do the right thing, and let’s not forget… at a most crucial time for his team, he was able to hit the homerun off the curve ball, without Jobu’s help, giving the Indians the pennant that year… Winner in my book. We have Kevin Klein’s ‘Dave’, who had to impersonate a corrupt president he just happened to be the spitting image of. A good, honest, simple man who wanted to help people. Of course, he was never tested on a security/military front. After all, he was a former CIA assassin in ‘A fish called Wanda’, and he couldn’t even k-k-k-kill K-K-K-Ken. Still, I like Dave. Thus concludes, the ‘possible, but long shot’ fictional president category.

OK - We’re down to the big 3, starting with Martin Sheen’s Jeb Bartlett. Let’s face it, Jeb rocked. Cool, collected, and very intelligent… Used the Bible for strength, not as a play book. Plus Sheen served his country in ‘Apocalypse Now’, worked 30 years for Blue Star Airlines, and served as Chief of staff under Michael Douglas… who oddly enough, as Gordon Gecko, tried to take over and liquidate Blue Star. Hmm… bygones I guess. And what about Michael Douglas’ Andrew Shepard… Come on ladies, ‘The American President’. Widower, raising a daughter alone, leader of the free world… and looks good in a suit. I have to say, I did like Andrew Shepard… good movie president. Plus, Michael helped clean up the streets of San Francisco, and got Joan Wilder out of a jam or two. But the imaginary movie press would definitely dig up dirt about the affair with Glenn Close in ‘Fatal Attraction’. Which may end his bid right there. Ironically, Close has white house experience as well having played both first lady, in ‘Mars Attacks’, and vice-president, in ‘Air Force One’. Which brings me to my choice of movie presidents. I have to agree with Ryan on this one and go with President James Marshall, played by Harrison Ford. He makes politically unpopular, potentially career ending policy based on the fact that it’s the right thing to do. Stays behind with his family, beats up Gary Oldman and the bad guys, then jumps in the cockpit and flies the plane. Aside from that, he was part of Force ten from Navarone, recovered the Arc of the Covenant, and the Grail so the Nazis couldn’t get them, thereby taking over the world. He was deputy Director of the CIA, (though Alec Baldwin is still my favorite Jack Ryan). Not to mention the fact that he covered Luke in his final run at the Death Star’s exhaust port, and he is most famous for doing the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs… Are you kidding me? He can be my president anytime.

Agree with my little rantings or not, after all, they are just that. But think of this… Maybe finding a movie, or TV president we relate to in some way, would help us better realize the qualities and character of someone we would actually want to do the job. Sort of a $10.50 glimpse into our potential future. We see clothes, cars, and hair styles we like in movies, why not the traits of a good leader. After all, the men and women who create these characters are looking for something else as well.

Please don't forget to vote - for real!