Are we better off?

It’s a pretty awesome time to be alive, technology-wise. Medically, we can diagnose things at a much earlier stage than ever before, and operate with tiny incisions and amazing accuracy. Our cars perform millions of calculations per minute to ensure safe operation and max fuel efficiency. And 24 hours a day we have access to an unparalleled abundance of knowledge, history, multimedia entertainment, and breaking news, within 5 minutes of it occurring, anywhere on the globe - all at our fingertips. We rely on advanced technology now to correct our spelling, figure our tips in restaurants, avoid traffic, record TV shows based on our individual tastes, and tell us the closest place to get a good frozen yogurt… We have all of this technology working for us, but at what cost.

I was at the store not long ago stocking up on beer and vodka for an upcoming snowstorm. What… In an emergency, vodka can be used to help start a fire, or clean a wound. Let’s see you do that with bread and milk. Anyway, the total came to $34.53. I handed the young girl a $50 bill, and she proceeded to start tapping her extremely long nails on the flat screen register. After a few seconds of nothing happening, she shouted to the back of the store, “it’s doing it again”, and made her way to the other side of the counter to use a calculator. Now, most, if not all of you have already done this simple math in your head, as had I. But wait, it gets better… After a few bangs on the counter, it was apparent that the calculator wasn’t working either. As she made her way back over toward me to call for help, and apologized for taking so long, I said, “no problem… It’s going to be $15.47”. She looked at me, let out a sigh of relief like I just told her that her biopsy came back negative, and handed me my change. In retrospect, I should have said the change was $125.00… Now, is she just horrible at math? Lazy? Who knows, but we do see this more and more since cash registers and calculators started doing all of the work.

We can’t really blame it on schooling. Our kids learn most of the same things we did, but as with anything, if skills aren’t utilized, they are lost. There is little need for basic math day to day. Our phones have calculators, and Quicken balances our checkbooks. Most legible penmanship is a thing of the past because everything is typed, spellchecked, and printed. Technology gives us the ability to be incredibly efficient, but is causing us to be increasingly lazier. Who remembers encyclopedias? Everyone had a set… Britannica, Funk & Wagnall’s, World Book - 22 volumes of reference books your parents needed another piece of furniture to house. They were fun, no? Need info on Nixon? Check the index book and find it’s in volume 16. Go back to the bookcase, grab that book, find the section on Nixon -  halfway through you see ‘Watergate’… Need more info on Watergate? back to the index – Watergate: volume 21... On and on it went. To write a 5 page paper you’d need 4 encyclopedia books, plus an 85 pound dictionary, and a Roget’s thesaurus… Now, we can just Google it. To be clear – Hell yes I’m jealous!!! But, as with anything we hated as kids, I learned how to investigate, find answers, and solve problems. Another skill fallen by the wayside is map reading. Today, with GPS, there is just no reason for folks to learn how. So much for treasure hunting… Not only do Goonies never say ‘die’, they never once said, ‘Siri, where is One-eyed Willy’s ship’.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from a technology snob. I take advantage of it every day… I am in the IT field. - I’m listening to music on my IPhone now, I will be sharing the link to this blog on Facebook and Twitter, and later on I’ll take my turns on Words with Friends on my Kindle Fire. And, no – I don’t remember phone numbers anymore… I don’t have to, right? Technology in its many forms is great. I just worry that the basic skills that were needed not long ago to survive in this society, may not survive themselves. Hmm… laptop’s running a little sluggish, maybe it’s time for a new one.

If this keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push button finger. ~ Frank Lloyd Wright

Common Sense

I haven’t vented in a while… Call it a sabbatical, call it laziness, or maybe I had a deal that just let me out early for good behavior. Regardless, not much has changed. Barack Obama is still President, Real Housewives is still a popular show, people still find it a good idea to put a microphone in front of Donald Trump, and we still don’t have hoverboards as Back to the Future promised. Above all that has remained unchanged however - people are still stupid.

General David Petraeus, whom I will always consider an American hero for his service, and achievements as a military leader, gets himself caught up in a scandal involving a relationship with another woman. And that’s not what I have issue with. Immoral? By my standards, yes… But it is none of my business. It is a matter for his wife and himself to contend with. The stupid part is his leaving an electronic paper trail that the affair was going on, and leaving himself – a man with the highest level military clearance – open for potential blackmail, or worse. He has since lost his position, and will now have a black mark next to his brilliant career when it comes to posterity - Stupid.

On to the NHL… An inability for the NHL and the player’s union to come to an agreement regarding revenue allocation, and contract amendments has resulted in a lockout. Each side has conceded a bit, but not to the satisfaction of the other side. Where it gets really odd is, currently, they have cost their fans just over 300 games in the 2012-13 season. And the negotiators, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to take a 2 week ‘break’. It wasn’t very long ago – 2004-05 – when the NHL lost its entire season due to a similar lockout. It took years to rekindle any interest or excitement in hockey. Its popularity really only just came back full force in the last couple seasons. Why risk that again? – Stupid. 

Twinkie, anyone? Get ‘em while you can… The recently bankrupt Hostess Company is being forced to close its doors for good on Friday 11/16/12. It’s ‘doors’ include 33 bakeries, 565 distribution centers, and 570 outlet stores. Why, you ask? Hostess was forced, due lower operating capital to offer its union workers a contract requiring some concessions regarding salary and benefits. Not to posture, or strong-arm, but because they are broke. The Teamsters recognized this, and accepted. The Bakers Union however, refused, and consequently went on strike. With the inability to continue without the 5000+ members of the Bakers Union, Hostess said they would be force to shut it down for good if they would not come back to work. The union would not acquiesce. So, instead of accepting a bit less salary and benefits-wise, they, and the remainder of the 18,500 Hostess employees will lose their jobs… Stupid!

Like so many snippets I see and hear every day, these things just don’t make sense to me. You want to keep your present salary and benefits to the degree that you’re willing to lose your job? Look at our leaders; Presidents, Generals, CEOs, etc - and, yes I get it, men of power... (ego + women = trouble). But why the digital correspondence that will eventually out you? We constantly see pedophiles getting caught in sting operations, yet every other week we hear of one stupid enough to agree to meet an undercover cop posing as a 12 year old girl. (Though, honestly, criminals being stupid, I am all for). But, my favorite has to be when we occasionally hear of the well-respected high school football coach sticking his phone down his pants, snapping a pic, and texting it to one of the moms he is interested in. Not only stupid, but has that ever worked ladies? Is this a romantic nuance I’ve failed to explore? (allegedly, anyway).

I think it all comes down to common sense. Maybe I’m wrong, and guilty of glorifying my youth, and upbringing, but I recall common sense being far better represented when I was younger. Why should the process of thinking something through, and assessing potential outcome and fallout before acting, be so less prevalent now? I wish I knew, but no matter how you slice it, (shameless Wonder Bread reference), common sense ain’t so common anymore.

“Stupid is as stupid does” ~ Forrest Gump

Trick or treat?

It’s that time of year again… Everywhere we look, we see ghosts, goblins, witches, and skulls with flashing eyes. There are cauldrons and tombstones in front yards, and jack-o-lanterns on porches. It’s the time of year when it’s OK to be scared. We even like it, we seek it out. Scary movies by candle light, haunted houses and hayrides – costume parties, and trick or treating. Halloween can be so much fun, with no restrictions on age. I remember wearing those cheesy costumes, which tied in the back like some highly flammable, neoprene johnnie, with the plastic masks, which not only trapped every breath you exhaled, but had eye slits specifically engineered to allow zero peripheral vision. After all, why would you need to see to the side while crossing the streets at night? There were always dangers too – I mean, aside from running around in dark clothes at night, partially blind, while having to avoid open flames. There were creepy guys in vans, candy laced with LSD, razor blades in apples, and a whole slew of other things to watch out for. And as it turned out, the apples got tossed, all guys in vans were creepy anyway, and I never ate a Laffy Taffy and saw my army men perform the closing number from Godspell.

But now Halloween has a new ‘creepy guy in a van’ - Parents. Not all of us mind you, just a select, whiney few. JFK Elementary School in Canton is the latest in a growing number of schools to ban all things Halloween. It started with switching to healthy snacks on Halloween plates… Healthy? Who wants a granola bar on Halloween? But, give a whiner an inch… This year, it’s no costumes, candy, plates, napkins, or decorations of any kind. I wonder how long it will be before Halloween is declared ‘the H word’… But all is well. Halloween is being replaced by a Fall celebration. That’s fun! Are we back to an agrarian society and nobody told me? Are we celebrating plentiful crops harvested? Why would kids want to celebrate Fall? Fall sucks! They go back to school, it starts getting colder, and it’s dark at 5:30. Woohoo – let’s party!

And for what? What is in it for the fun-busters? I don’t totally blame the schools. They unfortunately have to acquiesce to whoever complains the most, which is easier, and less expensive than getting sued for something. But why go out of your way to take the fun out of everything. What is it about Halloween that so offends you, or your little snowflake? Just like with the war on Christmas, (which I’ve written about in the past), we are giving more and more power to the oh-so-moral minority. And if we continue to refuse to take a stand, the proponents of political correctness, and overprotective parents will take the fun out of everything.

Look, I’m all about keeping kids safe, and God knows they need to eat healthier, put down the Xbox controller, and get out on the bike. But I really don’t believe in taking the childhood out of childhood. Let them be kids, and have a little fun once in a while. They have enough pressure on them. Look at us adults. After a long week at work, we can head out for a few cocktails and blow off some steam. Once a year, we can’t let the kids throw on cape and a little makeup, and throw them a few Snickers bars? (That’s a normal Friday night for me btw…)

Bottom line – let’s let our kids be kids. It goes by fast. Life will get serious for them soon enough – ahead of them is work, family, bills, and unending responsibility. My son just turned 17, and it’s amazing to me how quickly it happened. Ultimately, they have so little time to be silly, dream about being an astronaut, write letters to Santa, and dress up and pretend to be their favorite super hero once a year. It is unfathomable to me why there are those who would want to take that away.

“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men” – Willie Wonka

What ails ya

Remember, back in the day, when you’d feel sick, and your mother would take you to the doctor, (or he’d come to you)? He’d check you out, take out his script pad, and write a prescription for something that would make you feel better. (Usually something with codeine and alcohol, mind you… just what a growing 7 year old needs). What a concept – a doctor deciding the best course of treatment to cure what ails ya. But in recent years, we seem to have removed this burden from medical personnel, whom I’m pretty sure have to go to special schools for this kind of stuff, and opted to entrust drug manufacturers, and advertising agencies. Oh, yeah… and Wilfred Brimley. He’s got diabetes ya know. How funny it must be for a doctor these days. He tries to prescribe something to help with excess acid, and even though he’s got more things on his wall written in Latin than the Vatican, we kindly let him know that we’d like the purple pill instead, because hey – the guy in the commercial looked relieved. How did this happen?

OK – it was a rhetorical question. We all know how. Money, money, money… Pharmaceuticals are a multi-billion dollar industry. I remember the big rivals were Tums vs. Rolaids, and Tylenol vs. Excedrin. Now, it’s a bit more high stakes. And the saturation is absurd. Every commercial break during any show, movie, or sporting event on TV will have at least one product in the so-called healthcare family. Whatayagot? Joint pain, acne, athlete’s foot, high blood pressure, lines, circles, belly fat? They have commercials for herpes medicine. Do they not think a licensed MD can handle herpes? They need to get you to go and request stuff? I’d actually like to see the alternate version of the herpes commercial. Girl in the foreground, guy walking up behind her with a very serious look on his face… Girl begins, “I have herpes”. Guy – “and I… WHAT??? I thought this was a Pepsi commercial!!! Get Sid on the phone!”

I have another question – When did we all get so sick? Everyone seems to have ‘something’. Acid reflux is popular. Depression is huge. Hypertension, high cholesterol – the list goes on. Let’s not forget the acronyms… PAD, ADHD, GERD, Afib, IBS, PTSS and PMDD, which is kind of like PMS on steroids… Oy. We need drugs to cope, drugs to stay awake, to curb our appetites. We have drugs for erectile dysfunction, and drugs to help us sleep, (talk about your ups and downs)… There is even a drug now that acts as a supplement to your depression medication in case it doesn’t work by itself. I’m no doctor, but isn’t depression medication supposed to alleviate your depression symptoms. If not, isn’t it just pretty much a Tic Tac? So, just a recap – there is now depression medication for depression medication. You can’t make it up! Look - I don’t deny that some folks really have afflictions, where medication is a necessity, but come one. America is turning into one big episode of House.

I also find it quite intriguing, (as if to say, ‘hmmmm’), that there is plenty out there in the way of treatment, but not a lot in the way of prevention. Why? There’s no money in it. It really isn’t a horrible thing for the bottom line to have a high percentage of the population with what seems to be a cornucopia of ‘treatable’ ailments. Think of the dichotomy - It’s not uncommon to see a McDonald’s commercial hyping the new 1/3 pounder, followed by a Lipitor commercial. Beautiful! I don’t know. Maybe I’m nuts. Some things just really don’t make sense to me. Like, why have the red pistachios when you can have the tan ones and not have stained fingers? – Anyway, maybe we should take advertisements for what they are worth, (some are kind of funny), stop surfing WebMD, maybe try adding a healthy element or 2 to the every day, and let the medical folk make the medical decisions – not Madison Avenue.

Damn – now I want pistachios.

The age of the Unimpressed

“When Alexander looked upon the breadth of his domain he wept, for there were no worlds left to conquer.” Any fan of Die Hard knows this line. Maybe one of you will know it from it’s author, Plutarch… (If that person is you, you need to get out more.) What made me think of this line was the celebration of the 40th Anniversary of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin taking those first historic steps on the moon. I have admitted before to being kind of a ‘space geek’, so I really enjoyed all of the specials, and the interviews – it was especially cool because Endeavour is up at the International Space Station, and had a scheduled EVA on the 20th. So there were astronauts, outside of their ship, orbiting the Earth on the Anniversary itself. (What? I told you I was a geek!)

It was July 20th, 1969… Just a little over 8 years after President Kennedy made his speech in which he mentioned, “achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the Moon and returning him safely to the Earth.” Which was a scary gauntlet to throw down to the folks who actually had to do it. Virtually all of the technology to fulfill this little promise to the American people had yet to be invented. But, apparently Marilyn wanted a moon rock necklace, so… And granted, it did take close to half a million people, and around $22 billion, (that’s 60s money btw), but they did it. And with that, folks began to wonder… Are we done? What is our next great achievement?

All through our history, it seems there’s been something to strive for. Great achievements to better mankind, and keep America competitive and strong. Edison, Westinghouse, Bell, Morse, Eastman, Ford… and the list goes on. How about Wilbur and Orville Wright? A couple of bicycle repairmen who were stupid enough to think they could fly! Louis and Clark heading West to see what was out there. Of course, they eventually hit LA and immediately got hammered by the fashion police. “Beaver pelt in June? Puh-lease…” We climbed Everest, (without Gore-tex mind you). Made it to the North Pole. We had the industrial revolution. Yes, we actually made things, and were impressed by progress. The cotton gin, the printing press, and moving pictures wowed the people of their time. It seems very rare nowadays for folks to really be taken aback by great feats, or new technology. Is that the problem? Are we just unimpressed? We have people living in an orbiting space station, our iPods contain entire record collections, doctors can now do ‘micro’ surgery with actual robot arms, our GPS systems hold our hand and guide us to Aunt Millie’s house, our favorite vacation spot, nearest restaurant, or strip club… (I hear!)

I think about my son’s life, and the things he’s always known. There has always been digital music, DVDs, camcorders, video games, microwave ovens, personal computers, and cell phones. Maybe it does take more to impress someone who has been inundated with technology their entire life. Those of us who are a little more mature, and wiser… aw hell – older, remember having to mess with antennas, and the dreaded ‘outer’ dial to try to limit the snow on a UHF channel so we could watch the 3 Stooges. Then suddenly, there was crystal clear cable… magic! Pong, Commodore computers, bag phones – all of these great strides in technology really got our attention back in the day. How about safety? When we were kids, the only airbag we had was maybe a sibling sitting between you and the steel dashboard of your parents car… You know, the one with the seatbelts stuffed way down between the seats. How about medicine? We have over the counter remedies for ailments that killed people not so many years ago. They taste better too!

I do think that’s the case. We seem to be simply hard to impress. Throughout all of the Apollo hoopla, I heard over and over again, ‘why haven’t we done anything great since?’ I don’t think it’s a case of lack of great achievement on our part. I think great achievements happen at a rate that we are either accustomed to them, and therefore almost numb to them, or we just can’t keep up. Imagine the guy who just got an echocardiogram done so his doctor could see a live, 3D, multicolor view of his heart beating to check on a murmur he heard. This guy is now on the road, talking to a client in Japan on his Bluetooth, his GPS guides him to his next meeting, as his iPhone gives him up to the minute traffic updates, (Yes – there’s an app for that)… And, ironically, this is the guy who’d say, “Ya know, we can put a man on the moon, but we can’t stop the condensation on my iced coffee from dripping on my pants when I take a sip!”

‘and that’s the way it is…’
Walter Cronkite 1916-2009

The Boogie Woogie Flu

Mask? Check… Purell? Check… Panic? Check… Okay – you can leave the house now. But, no shaking hands, no kissing, no hugging, no sneezing, and whatever you do – try to refrain from licking any pigs. (Didn’t see that on CNN, I’m just assuming.)

Yes, my friends, it’s upon us – the 10^th plague. At least that’s what the cable news folks want us to think. The Swine Flu is back! It’s been a while… I think last time through, it toured with Boston, and Blue Oyster Cult. But this is a different strain – harder to contain, scarier, and infecting more people… Like Amy Winehouse after a bender. This new strain is a viral cocktail comprised of not only swine flu, but human, and bird flu’s as well. What the hell is going on in Mexico anyway? Should someone tell our neighbors to the South that the ‘Speak n Spell’ where you point the arrow to the farm animal and pull the string, is not a talking ‘spin the bottle’ game? Actually, it seems that the most likely origin is one of the biggest factory farms in Mexico. Sure, factory farms heavily contribute to high methane emissions, land degradation, nitrogen pollution of land and water, and now - new diseases… But Oh my God! The meat just falls off the bone!!!

Whatever the cause, can we just calm down a little? What is it about peril, and impending doom that we Americans find so alluring? Simply mention things like ‘new strain’, or ‘pandemic’, or ‘virulent’, and suddenly we all turn into Glum from the Gulliver’s Travels cartoons – you remember that depressed, monotonic, “we’re doooomed… We’re all gonna die”. And the media loves it. The apparent Apocalypse is great for ratings. Of course, they don’t just report the news, which would be that there are only 50 cases in the U.S. – hardly reason to panic. (that’s as I’m writing this – if, when you read it, the world outside looks like NYC at the beginning of ‘I am Legend’, maybe I was wrong). But they go on and on with ‘worst case’ scenarios;

“If the disease were to morph further, causing people to, say, spontaneously expand to 4 times their normal size, those wearing unnatural fabrics, like polyester, could suffocate in their own clothing… And if this were to take place as the sun exploded, there would be little hope for the cotton wearers as well, Tom…”

And why is the media staying away from what’s really going on? It’s really starting to smell of conspiracy… Think about it – Chicken Pox, Swine Flu, Mad Cow Disease, Eastern Equine Encephalitis…. I can’t be the only one to whom it’s painfully obvious that Old MacDonald is the Angel of Death!!!

And how much of the evolution of these diseases is our fault? Antibiotics are over-prescribed by doctors, and misused by us. We’ll sometimes take them to avoid getting sick. Which not only doesn’t work, but over time has helped to breed more resilient bacteria. That’s why we never see Penicillin prescribed anymore. It was the miracle cure for a time, was prescribed for everything, (I think at one time it came in a Popeye Pez dispenser), and now most bacteria is immune to it. There is also the argument that antibacterial soaps may be contributing to different types of bacteria becoming more resilient. We used to wipe the counter with a sponge, now we have the entire CDC in a spray bottle. ‘Out damn spot… Out I say!’ (I know – King Duncan wasn’t bacteria… But I heard he was a fungi).

Look, when it comes right down to it, Swine Flu 09 is an aggressive form of influenza. We’ve all had the flu. It’s not fun… It’s not Leprosy either. Unfortunately, like other strains of the flu, this will be dangerous for the very young, and very old. All we can really do is what we would normally do to avoid catching a cold. Keep your hands washed, try not to get sneezed on, and I already mentioned the ‘licking the pig’ thing. Also, keep in mind – during flu season in the U.S., an average of 40 million people get the flu, resulting in about 35,000 deaths. – That’s every year - But they don’t keep a daily tally for this on cable news. So as we see Swine Flu cases begin to rise… and we will - every day… maybe we can try to keep some perspective, and try not to panic. Oh - If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my custom built, ISO 14644-1 certified, hermetically sealed ‘clean’ bunker, complete with redundant HEPA and ULPA air filtration, and reverse osmosis water purification. By the way, I dictated this blog… keyboards are the petri dishes of the office world.

Good luck everyone…

“A-th-th, a-th-th, a-th-th – That’s all folks!”

That's Entertainment!

Is the entertainment industry completely out of ideas? From movie remakes to an almost constant barrage of so-called ‘reality’ shows… their incredible lack of creativity is evident at every turn. What ever happened to writing? There is an actual Writer’s Guild, so there must still be writers. No reason to have a guild if not. I’m really not actually sure what a guild is to tell you the truth. Sounds prestigious enough. I wonder if they have a secret handshake, and have to wear a red, tasseled fez to meetings where they take ‘minutes’ and talk about dues and stuff. Can I start a guild I wonder? I could probably join theirs, since I’m doing more writing right now than ‘the guild’ did over the entire Bush Administration. It’s kind of our own fault though. If they put it on TV, we tend to just watch it - whatever it is.

I guess I just don’t see the appeal of the reality show. I live in real life – I don’t want to watch it when I get home. I want revenge fantasies. I want to see the guy in the movie do what I wanted to do to the nit-wit who cut me off in traffic, but couldn’t because I’d go to jail. I want to see Dr House be extraordinarily un-PC in a ridiculously over the top PC world - and get away with it. And I want Jack Bauer to keep having much worse days than I could ever have. Why do I want to see a gaggle of pampered housewives, who want for nothing, and contribute nothing, sit around, whine about their lives and bitch about their husbands… Isn’t that what we have neighbors for?

I don’t care if Brodie Jenner gets a new ‘bro’. I don’t want to see your intervention, or little people buying groceries, or top chefs, top models, cougars, millionaires, bunnies, sextuplets, survivors, racers, or Joan Rivers try to smile. And I’m fairly convinced American Idol represents the unlocking of the 4^th seal of the apocalypse. (You know Randy Jackson had to have made some sort of deal with the devil – ‘dog’).

What I’m really annoyed with is what’s going on in the movie industry. I recently sat through ‘the Day the Earth Stood Still’ with Keanu Reeves. I’m a big fan of the original from 1951, and wanted to see what they did to it… Ugh! Just another empty, boring script relying on CGI to get them through. Why? Why do these studios feel the need to mess with the movies we love. Is it ego - the feeling they can ‘do it better’? Or is it purely economics? They’ve already sought to destroy The In-laws, Sabrina, Psycho, Planet of the Apes, and King Kong, just to name a few. And this year alone, the list of remakes slated to be made are Arthur, The Birds, Clash of the Titans, Karate Kid, Footloose, (oy!), The Dirty Dozen, and My Fair Lady. There are actually about 40 others as well.

OK – You may be thinking this is a fairly benign thing to bug me as much as it does, or that I’m a little crazy, or being a little dramatic, or that it takes me too long to return calls, or that I look really good in baseball hats - and that may be true. But I think movies are an art form, like paintings, or songs, or books. A representation of someone’s vision, passion, effort, and sacrifice. You’d never see a picture of a seated, homely woman with a crooked smile, drawn in crayon, and entitled ‘Mona Lisa’, hanging in the Louvre. And while recording artists cover songs all the time, they don’t change the lyrics… Well – P Diddy aside of course.

Look – ranting aside. There’s nothing wrong with a little mindless TV – whatever relaxes you, and helps mark the end of your long day is fine… Hey, one of my favorites is a reality show - Deadliest Catch - and I love South Park... doesn’t get more mindless than that. It just disturbs me that Housewives of Orange County, and Who wants to Marry a Millionaire are now synonymous with American Culture. From the golden age of television, to the magic of Hollywood, America set the standard in film and television entertainment. There is a certain responsibility that comes with that, and I hope that is something we don’t lose sight of.

(I wasn't kidding about 'Idol' - Locusts to follow... Dog!)

Instant Karma

Normally, I’m not surprised at people’s capacity to disgust me. From frivolous lawsuits and censorship to spoiled, overpaid athletes and corrupt politicians – there is usually a representative or 2 of our fine nation that leaves me shaking my head on an almost daily basis. Things were a bit different last week however. I heard that at the Presidential Inauguration, where there were an estimated 2 million people in attendance, there was not a single incident, or arrest. Pretty amazing! ‘Could it be,’ I though? ‘Could this change about which we’ve been hearing ad nauseam, be upon us already?’ Well, as it turns out, that wasn’t the case at all. As I said, hearing or reading about people’s stupidity, greed, piety, entitlement or outright apathy toward others is so commonplace, it’s rare that I get ‘wowed’. Yesterday, I got ‘wowed’.

Travel back with me if you will… Thursday, Jan 15^th at 3:26 PM, US Airways flight 1534 took off from NY’s LaGuardia Airport bound for Charlotte, NC. Shortly after takeoff, several geese were sucked into 1 of its 2 engines causing it to blow out and catch fire. Since the Airbus A320 was just taking off, and was still at low altitude, and low speed, it could not maintain flight with just one engine. Knowing he would not be able to maneuver the big jet back to the airport for an emergency landing, Capt. Chesley B Sullenberger opted for a water landing in the Hudson River. As a result of the pilot’s quick thinking and skill, and the crew’s professionalism in the face of potential catastrophe, all 155 passengers survived, and most escaped without injury. OK – that, you already knew.

When you purchase an airline ticket, the Airline is required to either make sure you get your belongings back after the flight, or compensate you for loss or damage up to $3,300. That would easily cover my alligator bag, platinum toothbrush, and mink boxers. You know – necessities. US Airways has offered the passengers of flight 1534 $5,000 for the loss of their belongings. Most folks are OK with that, because like most of us, upon walking away from a plane crash, replacing luggage wouldn’t tend to be something we’d be consumed with. But of course, there are a few who don’t want to make any rash decisions just yet. Me thinks somebody got a lawyer… You just survived a plane crash! How do you spit in the face of karma/God/fate/nature like that? A Salesman named Joe Hart from Raleigh, NC is one of the displeased. Joe says he would like to be “made whole again”, and adds that, “flying is difficult now”. Death is easier Joe, though lacks a certain excitement. There is also an advocacy group for crash victims involved… Really – I couldn’t make that up! The National Air Disaster Alliance & Foundation thinks aside from lost possessions, the passengers went through a ‘terrific ordeal’, and $5,000 is not enough. I know what my Blackberry cost, but how much is a terrific ordeal worth? Also – Kreindler & Kriendler, (guess what they do), are representing several of the survivors. They will of course be entitled to 1/3 of the terrific ordeal pay. The plaintiffs are lucky. K&K don’t do ‘ordeals’, but ‘terrific ordeals’ are right up their alley.

Why does someone else always have to be responsible? Life is random, unpredictable, and based on choices that we make. Life, in big part, is a crap shoot. There is chance in getting out of bed in the morning – driving, flying, athletics, marriage, work, even going to the store… Some choices work out, and some don’t. And when they don’t, it doesn’t entitle us to a check! Tell me how Heather Mills was worthy of $40 million in her divorce from Paul McCartney. Or the woman who spilled her own coffee on her own legs while holding the cup between her knees to add cream and sugar, and was awarded $2.5 million because the coffee was hot! If Ronald McDonald himself threw the coffee in her face while maniacally laughing at her pairing ‘that sweater with those pants’, then I could see a little compensation. Clowns are mean, ya know.

It saddens me that we’ve gotten so litigious, that our experiences now have price tags. The fallout from our bad choices make up who we are as much as the benefits of the good ones. Our buddy Joe, who fell from the sky in an 80 ton aircraft full of fuel, and walked away with a bloody nose and soggy shoes, feels he’s entitled to a settlement for his ordeal, from a company who really did nothing wrong. Hey… Maybe they can sue Canada too - They were Canadian geese after all.

Happy New Year

“Order this free DVD… it will change your life.” How many of these commercials have you seen in the past couple weeks? Yep, we’ve segued from the season of ‘eat, drink, and be merry’, to the season of redemption, and resolution. Tis now the season of diet supplements, deals on gym memberships, Bowflex, Total Gym, Nutrisystem, and Jenny Craig. We are bombarded with success stories – Marie Osmond, Valerie Bertinelli, Mike Ditka, Dan Marino, Jillian Barberie, (who still hasn’t returned an of my calls… busy I guess), and a host of other unknowns who’ve lost large amounts of weight in very little time. It’s also time to wash out the gray, and re-grow that bald spot. Everything we see this time of year seems to offer us an opportunity at a new beginning of some sort. Improve your appearance, start a new career, or find that special someone on-line. Every year the resolutions seem the same. Somehow, the beginning of a new year inspires us to start things we, for some reason, couldn’t start in October, or June. But statistically, most resolutions have gone by the wayside my mid-March. So why do we do it year after year? What’s your New Years resolution?

Let’s face it, we all have ‘things’ about ourselves we don’t particularly like, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve our quality of life. But New Years seems to be the time of year that the advertisers like to remind us of our flaws. You can’t blame them, it works like a charm. Just drive by a gym and see how much more packed the parking lot is as opposed to a month ago. Yes – I feel bad for spandex this time of year. The abuse… Oh the humanity! I wonder why it is so many folks bail after 8 or 10 weeks. After that long, you have to be seeing some sort of result for your effort. Why quit? It seems like it would be inspiring. I’m hoping I last longer than that. I resolve to eat healthier, and give up wearing spiked heels on the weekends… Sure, they make me feel pretty, but I twisted an ankle pretty badly last month.

And while I think we Americans could be in a little better shape, here are a few other things that would be good fodder for New Years resolutions…

We resolve to...

- Not sue anyone, even though Jim Sokolove says we should.

- Stop voting by phone so American Idol will finally go away.

- Not order the new 20 piece Mcnugget meal to eat alone.

- Use directionals… That’s why cars have them!

- Stop being so whiney, and offended by everything!

- Be more creative in naming a newly created drink as opposed to just sticking the suffix ‘tini’ at the end.

- try to coerce Tyler Perry to stay dressed as a woman… He looks more creepy as a guy.

- If you’re a rap artist thanking God for the award you just won, stop saying ‘first and foremost’. It’s redundant.

- Help a friend – in this economy, at least one person we know will need it.

- Not talk on the phone while putting on makeup and taking a sip of coffee, in rush hour traffic. (I actually witnessed this, and admittedly was a little impressed!)

- Make an effort to show appreciation to at least one member of our Armed Forces for their efforts, and sacrifices.

So, here’s to new beginnings… 2009 is prime for both optimism, with the upcoming change of administration, and a bit of fear and uncertainty when it comes to the economy. And while the latter is foremost in everyone’s mind, (see? No need to add ‘first’), I remain optimistic. I’m sure it will be a hard year, but I think the difficulties will bring about changes for the better in the long term. I wish everyone luck and success with your resolutions – and good fortune with work, family, and friendship in ’09.

Happy New Year!

The War on Christmas

We’ve once again entered into a scary time. Sure, we’ve been here before, but as the years go on, the threat evolves. It becomes more intense, and less predictable. It’s getting harder to foresee where it will happen, or by whom. It may be at the mall, at work, or while innocently walking down the street. But it’s inevitable… You will at some point be drawn into the newest round of the war on Christmas. Yes, I remember a time when ‘Merry Christmas’ was a nice friendly greeting… Now, for some, it’s tantamount to calling one’s mother some sort of farm animal. How did this happen? It amazes me the silly battles some folks are willing to fight, and how year after year, the offenses get more and more absurd. Displays bother people, Christmas carols bother people, commercials, T.V. specials, store ads, and of course, the afore mentioned greeting bothers people. And once again, by ‘people’, I mean a relatively small group of whiners, who were probably somehow wronged around the Holidays… who knows, maybe they got shit on by Prancer during a Christmas Eve fly-by, (though I hear that’s good luck, sans the dry cleaning). So now they need to pick fights with folks who actually have a little cheer.

It all started a while back with a few people complaining about manger scenes being represented on state, city, and federal government properties… OK, I get it. Separation of church and state. It doesn’t bother me, (because I’m not a whiner), but I get it. We trust God on our money but he needs to keep his damn kid off the lawn! If only Christ had run for office. “Re-elect Alderman Jesus – I promise fewer stones on the dirt road to the future”…

It didn’t stop there though. The last thing you want to do is give a squeaky wheel a victory. Next, it was the word; ‘Christmas’. We can’t call it Christmas… That’s too… um… Christian! Silly Christians… Having a celebration for the birth of Christ who, incidentally, happens to be the basis for their entire religion, and having the audacity to name it after Him? Shameful! It’s funny how every Christmas attack is based in religion, religion, religion. But the whiners always fail to stop and think, (which takes effort, and usually results in the ingestion of extra strength Excedrin), about the fact that Christmas, while being 1st runner up on the Christian holiday calendar, has also become it’s own secular holiday, almost completely removed from religion. We put up Christmas trees, make snowmen, we have candy canes, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, the Grinch, and the Grand Poobah himself... Santa Claus. Let’s face it, 2 of the founding properties of our nation were freedom of religion, and that ours would be a Capitalist society. Christmas has it all! You can celebrate the birth of your Lord and Savior, and get 25% off a 46” Sony HDTV flat-screen with free shipping.

I know, I know… It’s not just Christmas this time of year, there are other celebrations going on as well. Which is fine – the more, the merrier! Wait, can I still be merry? I’ll have to check. We also have the Freedom From Religion foundation who believes in… well, not believing. Which is also fine, or would be if they weren’t on a crusade to 'free' the minds of the faithful who are hypnotized by religion, which I think actually makes them a religion… Phew! But why? Why do they care? Let me celebrate what I celebrate, believe what I believe, leave me in peace to watch ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’, drinking my egg nog, (with a little Captain Morgan), and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! As for vernacular, I’m a ‘Merry Christmas’ guy… But hey - Say Happy Holidays if you want, or Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza, and for the Freedom from Religion folks, Happy Thursday afternoon! It’s just a greeting. An effort by someone you may not even know, to be a little friendly… Where’s the crime in that?

I guess it just escapes me, what exactly the whiners get out of these little victories. Is it a gripe with the Catholic Church? Believe be, I have an issue or two with it myself. But like Hanukah, Kwanza, the Solstice, or Festivus for the rest of us, Christmas – religious, or secular, hurts no one. Some of my dearest memories are adorned with Christmas decorations. I remember being around 7, creeping down the stairs in feet pajamas, into the parlor while it was still dark. We had one of those silver foil trees that changed color as the wheel of different colored gels passed in front of a spot light that shined on it. Off to the side, Santa left me my Roadrunner pedal car… Still in my top 5 best gifts.

But nothing beats creating the magic. My absolute fondest memories are of my son on Christmas mornings. His mom and I would always have Santa leave something behind, a sleigh bell in the yard, a note… One year, he knocked a brick out of the chimney – it was right on the living room floor! That Santa… The best part though, was the look on his face that second he saw the toys, and realized Santa had been there… I’ve experienced nothing else that rivals the feeling of seeing that face. Then we’d play the ‘Charlie Brown Christmas’ soundtrack, and he would ‘have at it’! And I’m not alone… There are millions of others with millions of memories just like that to cherish. Memories that would not be were it not for the magic of Christmas. Why would anybody want to mess with that?

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night…”

Industry of Cool

The other night on VH1 classic, there was a highlights show on ‘Live Aid’ from 1985. I have the DVDs from the show, but haven’t watched them in a bit. The highlights show was cool because it showed one song each, from only the real heavy hitters of the show. Clapton’s ‘Layla’ segueing into Queen’s ‘We are the Champions’ followed by David Bowie, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, The Who, and Paul McCartney. This got me to thinking, how lucky I am to be a fan of music, and to have grown up when I did. To have so many great artists, so many heroes of folk and rock around at the same time. The first album I can really recall listening to, was Abbey Road. It was at my cousin’s house… I was only 4, but I remember the apple on the album spinning around, and I remember sitting on that braided rug, looking at the album cover picturing these four strange guys crossing the street, in front of that white VW Beetle, and singing along with ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’. Fun song for a kid – then you find out later, your first favorite song was about a serial killer… I’m so conflicted.

After that, the radio and I became good friends. At bed time, I needed the lights out, and the radio on. Oh, and what a good friend it turned out to be. I was introduced to The Guess Who, Led Zeppelin, The Stones, The Kinks, (who by the way would be my first concert), Jim Croce, The Who, CSN, Cat Stevens, and on and on and on… I loved music. Eventually, I would be able to listen to my brother’s 8-tracks when he wasn’t around. It wasn’t easy either, I had to make sure I left each one on the right track, at the right place in the song where he had left it. Of course, anyone under the age of 35 has no idea what I’m talking about. You never had to learn the tricks of putting pennies on your turn table’s needle to play a record that had some scratches in it, or sticking a matchbook under one side of an 8-track tape to stop ‘bleeding’ from another track… Jesus, I’m old! But so are you if you know what I’m talking about. Sneaking a listen, which entailed ‘touching my brother’s stuff’, was worth the risk of bodily harm and potentially eating through a straw for a while, because being able to listen to a whole album was an experience quite different from hearing a scattering of songs on the radio, inserted amongst a cacophony of commercials, traffic and weather, and witty DJ banter. A whole album with all the fades, intros, and nuances that could never be heard on the radio? Nothing like it.

It was more of a special thing when albums came out back then… an event. There was sort of a ritual to it. Depending on the artist, you could get lost in the artwork on the cover. You’d read the liner notes. Then gently place the needle on the shiny black space before the first track, then just sit, listen, and read along with the lyrics on the album sleeve. The first album I ever bought with my own money, (that I probably got from my mother), was Elvis Costello’s ‘My Aim is True’… I actually still have it. Of course, the version I listen to now is digitized, and on my Ipod. And while it’s amazing to me still, that I have an entire record collection in the palm of my hand, and can take it anywhere, I do miss that feeling of bringing home the newest collection of 10 or 12 tracks you’ve waited months for, (or in Pink Floyd’s case, a presidential term), in that flat square bag, the likes of which are only seen in calendar stores now, and listening to it for the first time through those giant padded headphones that could block out the ambient noise of a 747 revving for take-off outside your window. We don’t really listen to albums anymore. We’ll put one on in the background at work, or at the gym, but it’s just for noise. Itunes, Zune, and Amazon allow you to buy 1 song, or 2, or 5… whatever you want. These days artists seem to try to compile a collection of hits, as opposed to an album. It’s a shame, but it’s not entirely their fault. Their record company’s bottom line, coupled with our ever shrinking attention spans, dictate what an artist has to do to survive these days.

Yes my friends, somewhere along the line, art, and artists have lost their way. Stardom used to be a by-product of artistic success, now it’s the goal. And a new hit on the radio meant just that – new. This past Summer’s biggest hit was Kid Rock’s ‘All Summer Long’, which was essentially ‘Werewolves of London’ with some ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ mixed in. The chorus even had the words ‘sweet home Alabama’ in it. Are you kidding me? The same is true in Hollywood. Remakes, remakes, remakes…

Think about it… Our parents, and grandparents had Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Sanatra, The Andrew Sisters, Benny Goodman, Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, and Elvis Presley, to name a few. And again, I’m lucky to have had the great artists I had to grow up with. Some of the greatest songwriters, singers, and musicians who ever lived, have written the soundtrack to my life. I wonder, in this world of Itunes, American Idol, and Making the Band, if there will be any ‘great’ artists remembered from this generation. I hope so, there are some really good bands around right now. I hope one day they can be free of A&R people, focus groups, and sales charts, so we can really see what they are capable of. I hope my son can look back on a moment as powerful, and as tangible as my Abbey Road memory.

“… and they will ruin rock and roll, and strangle everything we love about it… And then it just becomes and industry of cool.” - Lester Bangs (Almost Famous)

Quid Pro... No

We hear the word politics, and we think about… well… politics. Someone running for office, or making a deal to get a bill passed, or seeing a mayor appoint his brother in law, Del, Head of the Traffic Dept right after he gets fired from Dairy Queen… again. And while those are all prime examples of politics, they don’t quite cover it all. There is politics in almost everything we do, all day long. There’s politics at work, in the schoolyard, sometimes in the family, (I’m sorry if you’re not the Golden Child… But there is one, isn’t there?) There is politics behind what you listen to, what winds up on TV, or in the theater. How about what shelves in the super market certain foods go on? In the 80s, we even had the Politics of Dancing! (Never dreamed I’d ever reference a Re-Flex song… Ah well, at least I stayed away from Wang Chung!) Miriam Webster defines politics as, ‘the use of intrigue or strategy in obtaining any position of power or control’. Intrigue, and strategy… talk about your wide open parameters. Intrigue can be achieved by pretending I’m who I need to be in order to appeal to those who will ultimately give me what I want. And strategy can be everything from shaking more hands than my opponent, to having him killed! So let’s call it what it is; pretentiousness, and craftiness… Sounds more familiar, doesn’t it? I just described a person or two that you know, who has probably achieved a certain position, or salary, or something, they probably didn’t deserve. And they did it through the use of… SURVEY SAYS!… Politics.

It kind of starts in grammar school. You let the cool kid in the class sneak a peek at your test so he can find out that the Gettysburg Address in not in fact where Abraham Lincoln lived. He subsequently passes the test, and gratefully picks you for his kickball team at recess… You’re ‘in’. That’s politics. The same is true through high school. What you wear, the bands you listen to, who you make fun of, sometimes even the grades you get, can all have to do with impressing the people by whom you want to be liked, and accepted. Acting a certain way to achieve a certain position, or status… That’s politics. And in a perfect world, the workplace would be governed by the simple premise of ‘he/she who works the hardest, does job the to the best of his/her ability, and takes pride in every task, no matter how large, or miniscule, will advance the fastest in status, and compensation’. But that just ain’t how it works, is it? Having the right connections, hanging out with the right people after work, flirting, even dressing a certain way can have more of an effect on advancement in the workplace than doing your job well. Oh I’ll admit it, I’ve tried that route… The flirting, the clothes… didn’t work for me. Apparently, I wasn’t Ted’s type. Plus, I found out that a guy wearing short skirts to work every day throws up some red flags in the HR department! On the bright side, I got out of any duties involving climbing ladders… and the severance package was ok. Plus, I’m almost done with counseling. Haters! They were just jealous because I had the legs for it… Politics!

The thing that really gets me, is politics is based on favors… Quid pro quo. Aren’t we supposed to do unto others as you would have done unto you? The golden rule – we learn that pretty much from the time we can comprehend actual words. Are the rules of politics written in the Bible anywhere?

“And the Lord sayeth, ‘thou shalt scratcheth the back of thy neighbor, and gain promise through such favor that he shall scratcheth thine, even whilst thinking thy to be a scumbag’. The word of the Lord.” Hypocrates – 29:2.

How did we get stuck with this lunacy? Why can’t we just do something because it’s the right thing to do, instead of expecting some sort of compensation, or favor in return? Politics, in all its forms, breeds distrust. We don’t trust our elected officials anymore, because they are politicians… Yes, they’ve made a life of this sort of behavior. I can spend months bashing my opponent, and telling perspective voters that he is not qualified, or experienced enough to do this job. Only to completely reverse my stand later on, because now I’m out of the race, and he is a member of my party. These things are always overlooked because, “that’s politics”. No matter how crazy, or disreputable, or downright dishonest these candidates, senators, governors, mayors, or presidents appear to be, “that’s politics”, is like a get out of jail free card… We’re just accepting of it. We just think, ‘That’s how they are’. How crazy is that?

There are those who think politics is a necessary evil… a way to get things done. I see no positive side to it, in any aspect of life. I’ll say it again – politics breeds distrust. You want to know another way to get things done? Caring… (No, I don’t need a hug, or a tissue). Simply giving a shit about your community, or your neighbors, or your child’s quality of education, healthcare, etc., and doing something to effect positive change without expecting something in return. I’ll scratch your back, and hopefully, when mine gets itchy, (though it shouldn’t, the cream worked really well), someone will be there to scratch it. Seems like a better system to me. There is a good movie called ‘Pay it Forward’ that portrays the enactment of this type of philosophy. If something nice is done for you, do something nice for someone else one day, and so on, and so on… Sounds simple. Interestingly enough, the concept was actually first written about in 1784 by Benjamin Franklin… A politician!

Droopy banks

OK. New day… new bowl of confusion. Maybe you folks can help me out. I just read a couple of articles outlining some newer, local laws that are being strictly enforced, I assume for the good of all mankind. One is here in Massachusetts. A small town called Holliston is now at its limit, (for you moms out there, that means they’ve ‘had it up to here!’) regarding offenders of its helmet law for cyclists, and rollerbladers. While I think it’s a good idea for kids 16 and under to wear a helmet, I think it’s the parent’s job to see to it, not the town counsel. But that’s beside the point… Now, to further enforce this law, the Police, charged with public safety, law, and order, will now add taking Johnny’s bike away to their list of daily hazardous duties. How embarrassing to be in your cruiser responding to a call, siren wailing, lights flashing… with a pink Schwinn hanging out of your trunk. You can’t make this stuff up!

The other article was about Riviera Beach, Florida where the police are making sure its citizens are adhering to its ‘droopy pants’ law. People are not allowed to have more than 4” of their underwear showing. I wonder if the police have to carry little tape measures on their belts. Do these guys with their pants down on their hips look stupid? Of course! But as Americans, isn’t it our right to look as stupid as we want? I could see if they were wearing red fuzzy thongs, or God forbid it was laundry day forcing them to go commando… But they are pretty much just showing boxers. I saw a girl at the market the other day wearing a pair as shorts. And what of bikinis? Pretty much bra and panties for the beach, no? (That was merely for comparison… I fully support a woman’s right to wear as little as she wants…) Where was I… Oh yeah. For a third offense, you can be locked up for this. Yes – jailed! Holliston offers free helmets if you don’t have one, Shouldn’t Florida offer belts? I for one am much more offended by women who abuse the limits of spandex at a physical, and molecular level, and by white guys with dread locks. Where’s the justice there? Should we hand out free mirrors?

What got me on that silly little tangent is the current debacle on Wall Street. It kills me how we tend to focus so much effort on so fervently enforcing these little laws on little people, but will bail out big, powerful corporations which, in their extremely risky pursuit of a quick and very profitable turnaround, destroyed thousands of families, have spun our economy into turmoil, and will ultimately cost us taxpayers billions. These big lenders offered mortgage deals to people who did not qualify for loans, and would therefore sign up for anything for the chance to own their own home. It’s the American dream. Who wouldn’t go for that?

What happened was… When the rates were lowered after 2001, central banks made a lot of money available to help stimulate the economy, the success of which required a quick return on investment. So sub-prime mortgages were offered, at a higher initial rate to folks with a credit rating lower than 600. Thousands of these high risk loans were written. However, these plans hinge upon the borrowers refinancing at a better rate once your house increases in value. What could possibly go wrong??? House values plummeted, making it difficult to impossible for these people to keep up with payments, and stay in their homes. Houses were foreclosed upon, loans didn’t get paid, yatta yatta yatta. So, just to recap… Lenders; Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac, Lehman, AIG etc. gambled with these risky deals. They lost… and we the people are left to pick up the pieces. The government’s taken over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, but Lehman and AIG are in real trouble because the gov won’t bail them out, which is actually a good thing. We’d be pretty much rubbing elbows with Socialism at that point. Besides, I never got bailed out on my investment. A promising young chemistry professor said he could cure several different deadly blood diseases with an enzyme in yak’s liver, and needed money for research. Well, that didn’t work out. How could I have known that Yak was his uncle’s name? Never saw that coming. Neither did Yak for that matter… The trial’s next week. My point is… capitalism is based on a certain amount of risk. People tend to be careful when risk is involved. If someone’s there to bail you out, why not go for broke? (so to speak).

Of course, mine is a very simple, very basic overview of what is in large part the reason we’re in this pickle. (Meaning I put it in terms I could understand). I know it’s a very complex series of events. Some which could not be helped, and some which could easily have been avoided. So we know what happened, and why, but will anyone ultimately pay? The last time something similar to this happened was the S&L scandal. Of the Keating 5 senators involved, 1 was severely reprimanded, 2 were ‘criticized for acting improperly’… Oh the humanity! And 1 of the 2 members who were ‘criticized for poor judgment’, is currently our Republican presidential candidate. 5 years in a Vietnamese prison, AND criticized by the ethics committee? The man should have a cape! Wouldn’t it be funny if the only one to get in trouble for all of this is the banker whose pants are too low, showing more than 4” of his Alan Greenspan boxer shorts?